I know it's kinda long and I am sorry for it...
I'm in spiritual turmoil here...
This is my situation...
I invited a family to live in my house so that they can ';get on their feet.';
The man was a bit deceptive about his situation...he didn't tell me the whole story until after he had moved in (in regards to recent marijuana use--which hurts his chances at certain employment; as well as a criminal record...and he is a smoker...who feels that it is a human right to smoke even though he doesn't have money to feed his family)...his fiancee and 17 month old daughter are also living here with him.
He just got a 40-hour-a-week, $8/hour job...and has told me point blank that he is not doing what he needs to do to support his family...
But for the past three weeks they have been living with me for completely free...and my husband and I have been feeding them and allowing them to use our computer and phone. I've been okay with it because I understood that they had nothing...no money, no car, and so couldn't pay for anything. He can walk to work, but I've been giving him rides when I can...she still hasn't found a job but I offered to drive her whenever I wasn't babysitting or out-of-town. I even offered to watch her child for free for the first few weeks ...
But they've been putting off getting government assistance for a variety of reasons...and I told the guy he had until Jan 2 to find a place to rent and move out...that all I was trying to do was provide an opportunity for him to find employment and save money...starting this Friday they have to pay us $50 a week to help with utilities (phone, internet, electric, water, sewer, trash-pickup), and I told them that my husband can't afford to keep feeding all three of them...
They don't help clean anything...I feel like their mother...
The man is 33. The woman is 23.
I'm 25 and my husband is 26...and he has managed to support all this on only his income.
I don't know what to do...I've already talked to him about getting a second job...because I don't feel that he will be able to save enough money to move out and support his family by Jan 2nd.
He told me that he is doing what he needs to do. He has a job. He shouldn't have to work anymore than he does...that I shouldn't be trying to change him...my standards are too high...we are different people...
And yet he feels that the world owes him...also his exact words.
I am trying to maintain a positive attitude...love in my heart...and patience.
But it is SO DAMN HARD because in my head these words keep repeating themselves: ';He's a bum, a loser, and a parasite.';
Then I worry that I am judging him...
But then I don't want to be taken advantage of (that's why I have that Jan 2 deadline...)
Some spiritual support would not be amiss here.
I need advice....spiritual advice...?
hey, what your doing is excelent, and realy, realy kind.
i think youhave done all you can to help this man and woman. it is not your responsibilty too look after them. it is his and hers. he is a bum and a loser. they are taking the piss. the only one of the three i feel sorry for is the baby.
i think yo dont need spiritual support. because what you have done to help these peple shows how spiritualy string you are. not many peple would do what you and your husband have done for these people.
roll on jan 2nd. kick them out. keep up the kindness to them though. but make it absolutely clear there going on the 2nd.
you are deffonately not judging this person, if you were judging him i dont think hed have had a free and easy ride in your house.
if anything your too kind, which is not a bad thing, it is a good thing, but it can also be a burden to you.
hearing what you have done for these people makes me feel happy . but enoughs enough. :DI need advice....spiritual advice...?
Tell him to get a job or get the hell out. He sounds like a freeloader and a jerk. I would not feel any remorse about throwing his family and himself out in the snow.
I did that once and it was the worst mistake of my life. Getting them out of the house was ugly.
It's not spiritual support you need, it's ego support. You're right, he's a bum, a loser and a parasite, and I'm afraid his little child-bride isn't much better. Your instincts about this duo are correct, and you're wise to doubt his intentions and smart to want them out asap, but you doubt yourself because you imagine that you're supposed to be some kind of paragon of selflessness and aid to the misbegotten.
A judgment isn't wrong if it's a correct judgment, and yours is. Go with your gut, and get them out of your house by the time your deadline has expired.
That is a tough situation. You have done the right thing in giving this person the deadline. As you know the bible does say to watch out for people who will take advantage of you (can't remember exact passage) so you have done the right thing. You offered your help, this person now has a job, even though it may not pay much, so it is time for him to start getting his life back in order. You are not judging him, maybe you are just seeing him for what he really is (sorry about how that sounds) Good luck.
Besides using the D*** word!I found this interesting. You are being quite nice. You are not judging him. The bible says a man that doesn't work doesn't eat, but being that he has a job it is his responsibility to get a home for him and his family. Remember God brings ppl in your life for a reason and it is obvious that you and your husband has helped enough. I feel sorry for the baby though. But it is other families out there who needs your helped and these parasites are sucking the life out of you!
You are dealing with a chronic user of marijuana. Drug use ALWAYS inhibits change. I've talked to many who say they never matured while using. Stay with your deadline and tell him what I just said if you believe it. Believe that he can change, ask God for a miracle and continue to forgive him and yourself, but not condone him or your sympathy.
Compassion...helping someone out of the hole they have fallen into.
Sympathy... jumping in the hole with him.
I think you are being taken advantage of. Your January deadline is more than reasonable. Don't try to change him, but also make it clear that you are Not his maid and you expect help around the house from him and his wife. Remember the old adage ';God helps those who help themselves';. You are not god, you are doing a good deed in giving them some place to live during December. Make it VERY clear that you expect him/her to check with Job Services and other government agencies to help them out, that the deadline of January 2nd is definite and you will personally take their things to the nearest Homeless Shelter if they haven't found a place by then. These type of people are never grateful for what you do, and you will only get yourself sick with worry or guilt (where there is no reason to feel guilty) if you let him 'get to you'. If you can, contact a few charities and see if you can get them to donate items or money to help them out if you wish. Talk to your church minister if your church has any connection with a place for them (some churches do).
You are doing a good thing, but there is no reason to let yourself be stepped on. You are doing more than enough. Don't beat yourself up that you aren't doing more.
You have been righteous so far, you need not question the need for a deadline: some people need a kick in the pants to get going. Don't get guilt tripped into being an enabler. Jesus did not teach not to judge, rather to be able to meet the standards by which we judge.
I'll quote the bible for you
1Ti 5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.
Tough love, but you will have to have them move out, REGARDLESS if he has a place to go or not.
He/they will always have an excuse.
There are homeless shelters, and other people who will help them. But for you and your family they will casue discord and problems in your own family. Very dangerous for your families health.
I would even suggest you get them out before Jan. 2nd!
God Bless!
You reached out in kindness, gave them food and shelter. You have done your part. If it was a child or parent, that is different. Set a deadline for no more than 10 days. Go to your local librarian, ask him or her to get you the forms you need for a Writ to Evict, and there are a couple other things. On the 10th day, have your Spiritual warriors there to help the get to the Salvation Army or wherever. Believe me, they will soon find somewhere else to latch on.
Sometimes you harm people when you help them. Help them stand up, get brushed off, and down the road...with love, but love your family first, get them gone.
It doesn't take a christian to see you're being taken advantage of. Sounds like you are trying to be a helpful person, but in reality you are enabling both of them to shirk their responsibilities in life. Sometimes, as hard as it is, you have to let go of the desire to fix things and force people to take control of their own lives. If I were you, their things would be packed and waiting for them this evening and they would be informed that while it's been a pleasure having them in your home, it's time for them to make their own way. Waiting til Jan 2 is just putting off this scenario. And it will add weeks of stress to your life.
There's a difference between people in need and people who mooch off of others because they're lazy and greedy. what about the lady? she can't get a job to support her kid? kick him out and let her and the kid stay. lol. a deadline isn't unreasonable either. God said to help people, but they also have to attempt to help themselves. He isn't doing his duty as a husband and father either and he's completely in the wrong. Someone asked the difference between unholy anger and righteous anger earlier. This is a case where righteous anger applies.
Trust the voice that's telling you ';He's a bum, a loser, and a parasite.';
because that is what everyone else is saying too. Why don't you think of your poor husband spending his hard earned money on a 3 adults that are taking advantage of him???? make your priorities in order.
you should shorten the deadline to 12 days. good luck! please don't make the same mistake again though.
You are being taken advantage of. Pray for January 2 to come. Regularly remind the family of the deadline and of your intent to enforce it. Then, seek peace with this family, encourage them to do right.
Next time don't do it or be much more cautious and have a probationary period when you can throw them out early.
i feel what you are going true this is a lesson of life do not feel bad you just tried to help someone and they took advantage of you. the true is that they behave like parasites and their knowlege of life is very poor those kind of people learn the hard way and do not have been raise on a good enviroment and is not their fault neither your's but i think you are doing the right thing, he is 33 year old enough to know that he is abusing of your good intention to help so you do not have the right to judge him but you have the right to call the police or the social department and take them out of your home as soon as possible because they will not leave on Jan 2 . He must learn the same lesson that you have learn help others but do not ruin your life wen there is no respect, is clear that he do not respect other's sacrifices to help others. I personally see this happend to lot of my good friends is better to pray for them and give to those institutions that help people than triying to do it yourself sorry but this is how life is today. You have all my respect but you already did help them but do not allowd their abusive behavior they must go and is his resposability and not your husband and your's. take care and don't feel bad bless you and your husband.
I would tell him he is absolutely right he is not obligated to listen to you, and you are not obligated to give him a place to stay either. Yes, we are to show kindness to strangers and you have done that. We are also to be good stewards with what god has given us. God gave you your own family and no matter what they come first, well right after God. Pray for him and stick to the Jan 2 deadline. This bum will never learn as long as he gets freebies. He is a grown man and needs a kick in his ***, not a mommy. That may sound harsh, but you didn't create his situation or his attitude. Kick the bum out.
I think you are a very brave and caring couple to take in strangers like that.
You have every right to ask for money, ask them not to smoke, ask for proof that they are house and job hunting and ask them to go on income support if they are living in your house. It's your house and your rules and if they don't like it they can leave .Some people take advantage of others and these people are taking advantage of you!
Your a nice person and I do hope you can remove them from your house peacefully and that they get themselves sorted out.
Spiritually you have done the right thing to offer your support and help to those who needed it but it was only meant to be short term for them to get on their feet, there are places and organisations who can take over from you now and I suggest that you ask that they get help from them so that you can offer your help again to someone else who is in their position (only next time make sure you have house rules clear).
In a way you are holding them back spiritually by finacially supporting them - let them find their own feet now - your job is done.
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